It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the day after is always just damage control
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i've created a new STD.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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