dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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