i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
