I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
