I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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