Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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