life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
