Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
