Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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