Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
