my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
