I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I got inside last night via doggy door
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
