Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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