I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
