I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
