I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
