I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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