When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
