Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
