I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize