it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
