I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
