apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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