READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
