My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
