I wish my penis had an off switch
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
