Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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