She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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