he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
