While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
