I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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