I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
