just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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