I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
