thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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