I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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