A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
