First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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