if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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