just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
