Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
