I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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