It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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