The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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