he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
