So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize