Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
