Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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