I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize