Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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