You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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