Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
