he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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