There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
