Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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