if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
