I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
