I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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