i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
