dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
