This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
