she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
