Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
