We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
