How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
