sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
