I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
