4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
