At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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