You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
