That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
