Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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