My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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