So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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