pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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