he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
