Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize